Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The sound of settling...ba ba, ba baaaaaaa

Goodness gracious. I have aproximately 75 weddings to go to this summer. That's an exaggeration perhaps. But at least 5 if you have counted those taht I have already attended. And then you hear of friends of friends weddings, and a whole load of other weddings. And you know that other already married friends are having kids. And then you get a phone call from your sister that she's pregnant. And all of these sometimes can be reminders of the single life that you (okay, I) lead.

Now that's not an entirely big deal. Neither are the questions about the single life, or the attempts at hookups from other friends. Or anything along those lines. I know that certain baggage that I carry leaves me far from ready for marraige at this time, inspite of the sharp wit, rockstar build, and black belt in chivalry that I happen to possess. One would imagaine that the suitors to take my hand would be plentiful with all these qualities. I assume that they are plentiful. But, perhaps just shy, and maybe thats why they are unknown to me.

But, in the meantime for me it just seems pointless to go out and sample around and try to involve myself in any sort of faux dating relationship with anyone else at this moment in time. Apparently I stubborn. Or maybe it's something else. But what I do know is that I have known what I have wanted for an extremely long time and to sample around at something less than that is dishonest, primarily to myself.

I guess it comes down to settling, and other people are far more eloquent on the subject than myself. But, in my experience, and granted it's limited in these 29 years, anything thats worth having is sure as hell gonna take some time and affort. (And, I don't imply "having" in terms of love in such a possesive sense as it comes off, at elast to myself, there.) If shit goes pearshaped in your career, do you pack tents and head home? Did Brian McBride quit the damn game against Italy after he fwas bloodied by a cheating Italian? No and no. In your career you work at it and try your damndest to make it happen. And McBride got his eye patched the hell up and through himself into the line of fire, or flying elbows again. Thing is, you don't settle at the first sign of discourgement and decide that something lesser than what you want is what you are destined for. That's bullshit.

And yes if time goes on and it's discourgement after discorgement and you keep going back to the same well, that borders on some sort of neurosis perhaps. Some sort of naivite, lunacy, or just simply delusion. Ya know what though, fuck it. Some things are just worth it. And sometimes the fool with hope is the happiest guy in the room.

So, in this time when I see friends getting married and I see friends with their children, I am happy as hell for them. Cause I know that this is what they wanted all along. And I know that they have not settled. And some have admitted that sometimes it wasn't always as easy as it appeared, but they got through it. And now, on the other side they are happy as can be. And when I see them, I don't think to myself, I want that life that they have in terms of a married life or a family life. I think instead of I want what will make me most happy, and not settle for anything less than that. And, that likely will come at some cost, but in no way should that be a detterent.

This makes even less sense than the amateur film criticism and less than expert World Cup analysis. Less personal musings tomorrow.

Go USA. Start Conrad. Start O'Brien. Win the damn game. You have two more days to figure out how.


Anonymous said...

more personal musings! you know i could talk about your love life with you till the end of time.

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